on terrible skin and wedding theme songs

Some background: I’ve never had good skin, but it wasn’t awful. At university, pressed powder (used lightly) was enough to cover up some redness, and when I started work (almost two years ago) I started to use liquid foundation to cover up scars. But everything started flaring up 2-3 months ago —for unknown reasons— and now half my face is an angry red, full of bumps, and apparently bad enough that when I finally broke down to see a dermatologist yesterday, she told me to consider Roaccutane.

I didn’t think vanity was a problem for me (mostly because I’ve nothing much to be vain about), but this whole thing has been incredibly revealing. Sometimes after removing my makeup for the day, I’ll feel like bursting into tears in the shower (and occasionally do); I feel like ducking every time somebody at work talks to me from any distance less than a metre; I veer between wanting to look at a mirror (or a reflective surface, e.g., the side of an escalator) when i pass by one and being afraid to do so; I spend my train trips reading the skincareaddiction subreddit.

It feels so absurd and unhealthy just typing the paragraph above, much less having lived it the past month.

Which leads me to wedding planning. When we decided on a wedding date, the first few things I thought about the most were:
(1) our theme verse — Habakkuk 3:17-18;
(2) our worship songs;
(3) our theme song, which is:

I chose this song for many reasons, which will hopefully become evident to those who attend the wedding, but it’s been something I really need to hear and sing to myself recently. God really knows us better and holds all things in His hands.

What do I rejoice in? What’s my treasure? What do I trust? What satisfies? I know these things with my mind, I teach them to my church kids, I picked a wedding (marriage, rather) theme verse and song that tells me so. But all it takes is some acne (not painful, not crippling, not life-threatening!) to unravel the idols of my heart.

So I’m going for my pre-wedding photo shoot tomorrow; yes, with my mountainous face. There are/have been many mercies, like an incredibly kind MUA, Photoshop (haha), a day off work & colleagues covering me, my dad lending us his car for the day & topping up petrol beforehand, my sister being willing to help out, etc., and of course H who has always been more encouraging and patient than I deserve.

But most of all, I pray that tomorrow, the days to come, and even on the wedding day if my skin doesn’t get any better by then, I will be singing,

I rejoice in my Redeemer,
Greatest Treasure, Wellspring of my soul;
I will trust in Him, no other;
My soul is satisfied in Him alone.

In Him alone.

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